Wow, a Stock Split. Truly Groundbreaking Financial Innovation, Geniuses.

AI has been carrying the market on its back, sure. But apparently we’re also supposed to celebrate stock splits as some market-lifting force, because several big-name companies announced them this year. Let me save you the confetti.

A stock split is an accounting exercise. You own one share worth $800, the company hands you eight shares worth $100 each, and your net position changes by exactly zero dollars. The pizza analogy isn’t cute—it’s literal. Cutting a pizza into more slices does not produce more pizza. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling you a slice.

So why does Wall Street fawn over splits like they’re earnings beats? Because retail investors are predictably irrational. A $900 stock “feels expensive” to someone who never learned what market cap means, and a $90 stock “feels