Stock Split Hype Strikes Again—Congrats on Buying a Fraction of the Same Company, Geniuses.

Here we go again. AI drags the market to all-time highs, and the financial media, apparently incapable of letting a good thing exist without attaching a gimmick to it, has decided the real story is… stock splits. Several high-profile ones announced this year, we’re told, as if this were news that matters.

Let me explain what a stock split actually is, since apparently this needs to be said every single time: it’s nothing. You own 1 share at $2,000, the company hands you 10 shares at $200. Your net worth changed by exactly zero dollars. It’s cutting a pizza into 16 slices instead of 8 and calling yourself richer because you have more pieces. If a split genuinely changed value, every company would split weekly and we’d all be billionaires by Thursday.

Yet