Stock Split Changes Nothing. Congratulations on Celebrating Arithmetic, Wall Street.

Another day, another article breathlessly celebrating stock splits as if slicing a pizza into twelve pieces somehow creates more pizza. It doesn’t. It’s arithmetic so basic that a second-grader with a calculator could debunk it, yet Wall Street keeps churning out hype because hype sells clicks and clicks sell ads.

Let me explain what a stock split actually is, since apparently this needs repeating: a company divides its existing shares into multiples. You owned 10 shares at $2,000 each? Congratulations, you now own 20 shares at $1,000 each. Your total position value: identical. The company’s market cap: identical. Your claim on future earnings: identical. The only thing that changed is the number in the share-count column, which has all the economic significance of changing your phone number.

So