Congrats on Your Stock Split—Enjoy Those Zero Real Gains, Geniuses

Wall Street’s Blockbuster Stock Split Was Just Announced — And It’s Anything But Conventional

Ah, stock-split season. That magical time of year when investors celebrate a company rearranging its own furniture and call it alpha. A stock split changes exactly one thing: the number of shares you own. Not the earnings. Not the cash flows. Not the business. A 10-for-1 split hands you ten $10 bills for your $100 bill, and somehow this sends retail investors into a frothing frenzy every single time.

And yet, here we are, crediting “premier stock-split stocks” — whatever that means — for lifting the market to new heights, as if the split itself generated returns. The companies