Another Stock Split Hype Parade—Congrats, Your Share Count Changed. Genius.

Ah, stock-split season. That magical time when financially illiterate investors celebrate a corporate accounting maneuver that changes absolutely nothing about what they own.

Let’s get the mathematics out of the way, since apparently nobody else will. A stock split is a pizza cut into more slices. You had one slice of an 8-slice pizza; now you have two slices of a 16-slice pizza. Congratulations on your identical pizza. Your ownership stake: unchanged. Your claim on earnings: unchanged. The company’s fundamentals: aggressively unchanged. Yet headlines breathlessly announce “blockbuster” splits as if the board discovered money in the couch cushions.

Why do splits exist at all? Primarily so that retail investors who can’t wrap their heads around fractional shares—and apparently can’t use a broker that offers them—can buy a round lot at a psychologically comfortable price. Some