Another Stock Split Hype Cycle. Congrats, Your Slice Didn’t Get Bigger.

A stock split is not an event. It’s an accounting exercise with confetti. Yet here we are again, with Wall Street breathlessly announcing that “several high-profile stock splits” are lifting the market, as if dividing 90 into three shares of 30 somehow conjures wealth out of thin air. It doesn’t. If you own one pizza cut into eight slices instead of four, you don’t have more pizza. You have a knife.

And yet the hype machine persists, because stock splits generate headlines, headlines generate clicks, and clicks generate revenue for people who understand attention economics better than the retail investors clicking. AI has been the market’s actual engine, and that at least has a revenue story attached, however inflated the valuations may be. A stock split has no story. It has a press release.

Let’s do the math the