Another Stock Split—Congratulations, Arithmetic Is Hard and You’re Impressed

Let’s get something straight: a stock split changes absolutely nothing about what you own. You had one $100 bill; now you have four $25 bills. Congratulations on your transformation. The article above touts “Wall Street’s premier stock-split stocks” as a driver of market outperformance — as if slicing a company into more shares somehow creates value. It doesn’t. It’s a press release with a denominator adjustment.

What actually lifted markets? Earnings, cash flows, and — let’s be honest — the AI speculation frenzy, which deserves its own eulogy later. Stock splits are marketing. They make a $900 share look approachable to retail investors who confuse share price with affordability, apparently never having heard that you can buy fractional shares or that percentage returns don’t care how many