A Stock Split Changes Nothing, Yet Wall Street Celebrates Like It Discovered Fire.

Let’s get one thing straight: stock splits do nothing. A split is your pizza being cut into eight slices instead of four. You still have one pizza. The moment you hear “stock split” and your pulse quickens, you’ve revealed you don’t understand what a share actually is—a fractional claim on a company’s earnings. Cut the denominator in half and double the numerator, and the fraction is identical. This isn’t finance. It’s fourth-grade arithmetic that apparently stumps people managing six-figure portfolios.

The market-doubling logic is particularly delicious because the *reversed* version proves the absurdity. If splits create value by making shares cheaper, Citigroup’s 1-for-10 reverse split in 2011 should have destroyed value by making shares more expensive. It didn’t. Because none of this affects earnings, cash flow, or the actual business. The number on the